Sometimes I loose site of my mission I'm on. Sometimes I forget that it is even a mission. Sometimes I see my friends or aquantances with their nice big brick houses, and their big suv's and for a fraction of a second I want it! I want it all and I want it now! Forgetting my goals in life because what they have seems so much better than anything I have right now. When in reality I do have it all and have it all right now. I have a nice (older home that needs some tlc) but none the less very nice home, I have a husband who has a VERY good job, I have three very active mostly healthy kids(nothing terminal), I have the white picket fence, the dog, the minivan outside my house that gets me where I need to go, health insurance, all my immediate needs are met as well as my childrens, and yet I sometimes get distracted and want more. Isn't this human to always want what we think is better? I'm not content to settle for that explantion. Because essentially I don't want what they have! I certainly don't want the bills that come with having what they have! I will take what I have an praise God everyday for it because in the end none of it matters. All that really matters is that I have Jesus, and that's all I need. I will continue on my mission to get out of debt, to someday have my farm just outside the city to retire to and praise God I will get there and if for some reason he doesn't see fit to let me accomplish this here. I know I will have it there with him. Thank you Lord for your blessings on me and my family...
Live, Love, & Laugh
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
It's really hard too say outloud...
It's really hard to say outloud, but my dad died September 16, 2010. It was a completely unexpected thing. Although we knew we only had a few good years left with him. We had no idea the end would come so soon.
My dad much of my life has been an active alcoholic. We have went through many ups and downs in my 36 years of life in his struggle to remain sober. Around 15 years ago he had been on a binge for awhile and had stopped because he had gotten so sick, that and the fact that he couldn't seem to find mom's hiding place for the money I'm sure. Anyway he started hymridging, and we barely got him to the hospital alive! We were called to the back and told to say our goodbyes that he would more than likely not live the next 2 hours much less any life saving steps they would be taking. We went back to see him in the middle of the emergency room laying on a gurny not nearly big enough to hold his size(he was a big man) He was laying there lifeless and awkwardly. I said nothing more to him than "Dad please don't die, your not done here" I had just found out I was pregnant. I wasn't anymore than maybe 10 weeks along. I begged God that day to give him time. Time to be a grandpa. Time to right all his wrongs. Time to be the man he should have always been. Somehow miraculously he was able to pull through. Not without a very lengthy stay in the hospital and huge bills. Thank God my mom always had health insurance! This was not the only time my dad had cheated death and lived to tell the tale. He had served in Vietnam after all. But he had another similar incident a quite a few years prior to this one. And after he was able to pull through he went into AA and we joined ALANON.
So in other words life was not simple for my dad nor was living with him. We had our struggles through my teen years. He struggled everyday that he stayed sober. He tried to hold down various jobs. He eventually became a jack of all trades through out his life. I eventually was able to feel sorry for my dad (when I was able to feel anything towards him) because although I couldn't understand this power the alcohol had over him I could tell he wanted to stop and he did on several occasions. He just was never strong enough. It also got him in trouble alot though. He recked alot of cars, put my brother and my life in jeopardy on many occasions, racked up bills it took my mother forever to pay down, and finally almost lost his leg in a accident at work because he was drunk. Which left him disabled and in constant pain the last 6 years of his life. Life wasn't simple for any of us!
Fast forward I'm now 36 years old. God gave me those precious years with my dad. I was able to forgive him for the things he had done over the years and all the hardships my family had to bear because of his problem. There just eventually wasn't anymore room to hate him, so I decided to love him instead and pray for him. He did turn out to be a pretty good grandfather to my 3 children and my brothers 3. So it wasn't all in vain. I forgave him, him and my mother had a good marriage finally. He was able to walk me down the isle at my wedding and give me away. For that I am eternally grateful. My dad's life may have never had a divine purpose for anyone other than me. For I know God kept him here because I asked him too. We don't get all our prayers answered because when he suddenly fell ill this last time, I asked God to please not take him. But he did. It was his time to go finally. He had suffered long enough in this world. I hope that in his passing he was able to gain forgiveness maybe he already had. I want to see him again one day.
My dad died on September 16, 2010 of a bowl rupture after having had a bad chest cold for weeks. He will be missed this Holiday season. I know this blog post is all over the place and probably doesn't make alot of sense. I'm sorry, I hope to one day write about it and be able to make sense of it all. It's all just too hard to think about or talk about right now.
Live, Laugh, Love... you may not get tomorrow!
My dad much of my life has been an active alcoholic. We have went through many ups and downs in my 36 years of life in his struggle to remain sober. Around 15 years ago he had been on a binge for awhile and had stopped because he had gotten so sick, that and the fact that he couldn't seem to find mom's hiding place for the money I'm sure. Anyway he started hymridging, and we barely got him to the hospital alive! We were called to the back and told to say our goodbyes that he would more than likely not live the next 2 hours much less any life saving steps they would be taking. We went back to see him in the middle of the emergency room laying on a gurny not nearly big enough to hold his size(he was a big man) He was laying there lifeless and awkwardly. I said nothing more to him than "Dad please don't die, your not done here" I had just found out I was pregnant. I wasn't anymore than maybe 10 weeks along. I begged God that day to give him time. Time to be a grandpa. Time to right all his wrongs. Time to be the man he should have always been. Somehow miraculously he was able to pull through. Not without a very lengthy stay in the hospital and huge bills. Thank God my mom always had health insurance! This was not the only time my dad had cheated death and lived to tell the tale. He had served in Vietnam after all. But he had another similar incident a quite a few years prior to this one. And after he was able to pull through he went into AA and we joined ALANON.
So in other words life was not simple for my dad nor was living with him. We had our struggles through my teen years. He struggled everyday that he stayed sober. He tried to hold down various jobs. He eventually became a jack of all trades through out his life. I eventually was able to feel sorry for my dad (when I was able to feel anything towards him) because although I couldn't understand this power the alcohol had over him I could tell he wanted to stop and he did on several occasions. He just was never strong enough. It also got him in trouble alot though. He recked alot of cars, put my brother and my life in jeopardy on many occasions, racked up bills it took my mother forever to pay down, and finally almost lost his leg in a accident at work because he was drunk. Which left him disabled and in constant pain the last 6 years of his life. Life wasn't simple for any of us!
Fast forward I'm now 36 years old. God gave me those precious years with my dad. I was able to forgive him for the things he had done over the years and all the hardships my family had to bear because of his problem. There just eventually wasn't anymore room to hate him, so I decided to love him instead and pray for him. He did turn out to be a pretty good grandfather to my 3 children and my brothers 3. So it wasn't all in vain. I forgave him, him and my mother had a good marriage finally. He was able to walk me down the isle at my wedding and give me away. For that I am eternally grateful. My dad's life may have never had a divine purpose for anyone other than me. For I know God kept him here because I asked him too. We don't get all our prayers answered because when he suddenly fell ill this last time, I asked God to please not take him. But he did. It was his time to go finally. He had suffered long enough in this world. I hope that in his passing he was able to gain forgiveness maybe he already had. I want to see him again one day.
My dad died on September 16, 2010 of a bowl rupture after having had a bad chest cold for weeks. He will be missed this Holiday season. I know this blog post is all over the place and probably doesn't make alot of sense. I'm sorry, I hope to one day write about it and be able to make sense of it all. It's all just too hard to think about or talk about right now.
Live, Laugh, Love... you may not get tomorrow!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
She wants to be a photographer :)
My daughter took this picture from our vehicle driving down the highway. She has a good eye and wants more than anything a nice fancy professional camera. This is one area I have struggled with every since she announced she wanted to be a photographer. On one hand I as her mother want her to have everything she ever wanted and her not to go without anything. But I know this is only spoiling her. So I have decided on this one because of her tendancy to not have a work ethic (no matter how hard I try to instill it) I am making her figure out how to get this camera of her dreams all on her own. We helped her buy a basic digital camera about two years ago and she has put it to good use. But like my camera's it can only do so much and if a photographer is what you want to be you need a better one. I would love to have one myself but I can't fathom spending hundreds of dollars right now on a camera. Never mind that my husband keeps buying me crappy cheap ones he finds and I end up being so frustrated with the stupid things that I just don't take pictures of my kids like I used to. There are huge blocks of time lately and I've not taken not one picture! But I digress sorry. If this is truley what she wants then she will be willing to work for it and save. I apparently have been lapsed in instilling this in her or all of them for that matter, well I take that back my boy is a true worker through and through but the girls yeah well not so much! Anything worth having is worth working for right?
Live, Love, Laugh!
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