It's really hard too say outloud...

It's really hard to say outloud, but my dad died September 16, 2010. It was a completely unexpected thing. Although we knew we only had a few good years left with him. We had no idea the end would come so soon.

My dad much of my life has been an active alcoholic. We have went through many ups and downs in my 36 years of life in his struggle to remain sober. Around 15 years ago he had been on a binge for awhile and had stopped because he had gotten so sick, that and the fact that he couldn't seem to find mom's hiding place for the money I'm sure. Anyway he started hymridging, and we barely got him to the hospital alive! We were called to the back and told to say our goodbyes that he would more than likely not live the next 2 hours much less any life saving steps they would be taking. We went back to see him in the middle of the emergency room laying on a gurny not nearly big enough to hold his size(he was a big man) He was laying there lifeless and awkwardly. I said nothing more to him than "Dad please don't die, your not done here" I had just found out I was pregnant. I wasn't anymore than maybe 10 weeks along. I begged God that day to give him time. Time to be a grandpa. Time to right all his wrongs. Time to be the man he should have always been. Somehow miraculously he was able to pull through. Not without a very lengthy stay in the hospital and huge bills. Thank God my mom always had health insurance! This was not the only time my dad had cheated death and lived to tell the tale. He had served in Vietnam after all. But he had another similar incident a quite a few years prior to this one. And after he was able to pull through he went into AA and we joined ALANON.

So in other words life was not simple for my dad nor was living with him. We had our struggles through my teen years. He struggled everyday that he stayed sober. He tried to hold down various jobs. He eventually became a jack of all trades through out his life. I eventually was able to feel sorry for my dad (when I was able to feel anything towards him) because although I couldn't understand this power the alcohol had over him I could tell he wanted to stop and he did on several occasions. He just was never strong enough. It also got him in trouble alot though. He recked alot of cars, put my brother and my life in jeopardy on many occasions, racked up bills it took my mother forever to pay down, and finally almost lost his leg in a accident at work because he was drunk. Which left him disabled and in constant pain the last 6 years of his life. Life wasn't simple for any of us!

Fast forward I'm now 36 years old. God gave me those precious years with my dad. I was able to forgive him for the things he had done over the years and all the hardships my family had to bear because of his problem. There just eventually wasn't anymore room to hate him, so I decided to love him instead and pray for him. He did turn out to be a pretty good grandfather to my 3 children and my brothers 3. So it wasn't all in vain. I forgave him, him and my mother had a good marriage finally. He was able to walk me down the isle at my wedding and give me away. For that I am eternally grateful. My dad's life may have never had a divine purpose for anyone other than me. For I know God kept him here because I asked him too. We don't get all our prayers answered because when he suddenly fell ill this last time, I asked God to please not take him. But he did. It was his time to go finally. He had suffered long enough in this world. I hope that in his passing he was able to gain forgiveness maybe he already had. I want to see him again one day.

My dad died on September 16, 2010 of a bowl rupture after having had a bad chest cold for weeks. He will be missed this Holiday season. I know this blog post is all over the place and probably doesn't make alot of sense. I'm sorry, I hope to one day write about it and be able to make sense of it all. It's all just too hard to think about or talk about right now.

Live, Laugh, Love... you may not get tomorrow!